I was challenged to continue to do my work as long as God keeps me in this body. This seems to be helping me to clarify my life
Everything that I always wanted…
So here I am going into year 3 of my retirement. I always got up to be a teacher very early. I can’t sleep now. I still have to get up. I get confused because there is no one telling me what to do. I can’t seem to get started on anything.
I think that the guilt comes from the fact that when I was a teacher, I knew in my heart that I was helping people. I don’t know. Service to students isn’t always appreciated but I just believed that everyone wanted just what I wanted…crazy right? Still, I managed to fool myself for over 25 years.
Today in church, during a study of Phillipians, I was challenged to continue to do my work as long as God keeps me in this body. This seems to be helping me to clarify my life. Yes, I still want to be at the pool everyday. Yes, I still want to ride my bicycle everyday. Yes, I want to make music…(this is my biggest challenge even though I was a music teacher.) The fact is that I want to enjoy it…guilt free.
I have to be productive. I have to be guilt free. I have to help people. I have to feel relevant. Maybe then, the guilty feeling will go away. I’ll keep you posted.
When I retired last year, I believed that I experienced a lot of lasts. My last concert on May 17, 2017. My last class on June 9, 2017. My last opportunity to impact students in a public school…ever. I knew that I would be a substitute teacher and from time to time I may feel that I have made an impact on a student or two. I certainly didn’t envision this.
A very unfortunate circumstance developed and a school that had a well respected and effective teacher found themselves without one. While the circumstances were and still are devastating to the community, it did create an opportunity for a new experience for me. Students who were hurt and yet still in the process of their music performances were left with questioned loyalties. Their teacher, whom they loved and supported was now being publicly vilified. Their school administration seemed to be less than supportive of their devotion to him. Their school year, as they knew it, was over. They had just come off of some great “once in a lifetime” experiences and now had to continue through the end of the year concerts. Then there was me.
The principal said that there was a very difficult situation. They really needed someone to come in and get them through the end of the year, but, it will be very difficult. I had seen situations like this before. I knew that no matter how dedicated I was, I was still going to be seen as “the outsider”. They were going to rebel. They were going to vent their anger. They were going to be middle school students reacting to an adult situation with very little emotional resources. I was preparing myself for a difficult if not impossible road to affect their lives in a positive way. What really happened…I never saw it coming.
Since retiring, I have been trying to enjoy my freedom. Freedom from having to get up every morning. Freedom from planning for the next day. Freedom from all of the things that I perceived as annoying. It just isn’t that easy. What it means to be a teacher is to unlock another person’s limiting belief in themselves and the world that they live in. That has been my goal over the past several years as I neared retirement. It’s hard to quantify, but you know it when you see it.
This group of students, through their shared struggle have helped me see my value…again. They have come together to support one and other in a way that belies their age. I couldn’t be prouder of any group of people that I have ever known. They are a credit to their parents, teachers and yes, their own friends. They have truly done far more for me than I have for them.
Thank you DRA advanced choir. You made this old guy feel young…all over again.
It is possible that retirement shouldn’t be about relaxing. I am coming to believe this. I am sitting here now under an umbrella gazing at palm trees and a rock mountain backdrop and it should be perfect. I used to dream of this on those occasional perfect days at school, but now, I don’t know. I am lacking motivation to do the things that I said that I wanted to do and I am bewildered.
Paradise Achieved
I have heard that some of the motivation comes from having an adversary. That sounds counter-intuitive but it may very well be true. Deadlines are important. The problem with self imposed deadlines is that they are never really respected. It’s almost like the only thing I live for now is meals. Hmm…I’d love to write more…but I am hungry. TTFN.
As of tomorrow, it will be 10 days left until my retirement as a NJ public school teacher. While my career has been pretty rewarding, it is time for me to go. Most of what I have come to believe about education is in direct conflict with what we currently do in NJ and all over for that matter.
I will consider the next ten days as days of transition. I will pack away all that was once the music educator in NJ and begin to put in place my life and focus on my new passion. Right now, that new passion is still coming into focus. but it is also very exciting.
